Tuesday, December 31, 2013

"…and they don't have no award for dat." (Trophies)

Fuck. Has it really been a year? Does time speed up as you get older? Am i REALLY writing this from a McDonald's in the Ted Stevens Aiport? So many questions, however right now, several other "important" questions shall finally be answered: "Who is the worst rapper in the world right now?", "What was the best album to come out in 2013?", and "Who is the hottest chick on twitter" just to name a few… I know why you are here, and you know that, so let's quit the foreplay and get straight to boinkin, shall we? 

Note: These lists are not based on sales, statistics, relevancy or any other bullshit. These are simply my favorites & least favorites in all things music & media. Like I say every year, these are just my opinions and even though we are all entitled to them, I feel pretty confident in saying mine are more valuable, ha! Welcome to the 2013 Tubby Blog Awards, motherfuckas! 

2013 Best Song (Commercial)
  1. "Bad" Wale featuring Tiara Thomas
  2. "Hold On, We're Going Home" Drake
  3. "The Language" Drake
  4. "One Of Those Nights" Juicy J feat. The Weeknd
  5. "Strawberry Bubblegum" Justin Timberlake
  6. "No New Friends" DJ Khaled feat. Drake, Rick Ross & Lil Wang
  7. "Black Skinhead"/"Bound 2" Kanye West
  8. "Pretty" - The Weeknd
  9. "The Rockers" - Action Bronson feat. Wiz Khalifa
  10. "Part 2"/"Beach Is Better" - Jay Z feat. Beyonce ("Beach Is Better" also wins the "Cocktease 2013 Award" aka "Was That A Song or a fucking Interlude?" Award)
2013 "Shit Sandwich Award" (Most Disappointing Albums)
  1. MMLP 2 - Eminem
  2. 20/20 Experience (Part 2) - Justin Timberlake
  3. Nothing Was The Same - Drake
2013 "Kill Me Now Award" (Worst Songs of 2013)
  1. Versace - Migos
  2. Hannah Montana - Migos
  3. Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke feat. Pharrell & T.I
  4. Any other song by Migos
The "May God Strike Down Upon Thee" Award 
(Rappers I hope don't survive to see the next Tubby Blog Awards)
  1. Migos
  2. DJ Khaled (Still waiting, God… Still waiting.)
  3. Whoever discovered Migos. 
The "We The Best, no Khaled" Award (2013's Best Overall Artists)
  1. The Weeknd
  2. Beyonce'
  3. Justin Timberlake
  4. Jhene Aiko (*Ms.Aiko also wins the "If I had to eat someone's poop, it'd be hers" award)
  5. Kanye West
  6. Drake
  7. Jay Z
  8. Kendrick Lamar
  9. Action Bronson
  10. Juicy J
"The Dr.Seuss Award" (2013's Favorite Rappers List)
  1. Jay Z
  2. Drake
  3. Kendrick Lamar
  4. Kanye
  5. Action Bronson (Bronsolino also wins "The Beard The Year" award. Sorry, Rozay.)
  6. Pusha T
  7. Danny Brown
  8. J.Cole
  9. Rick Ross
  10. honorable mentions: Joe Budden, Curren$y x Smoke DZA
The "I like to sniff dirty panties" Award (Guilty Pleasure Award)
  1. 23 - Mike Will Made It feat. Miley Cyrus, Wiz Khalifa & Juicy J
  2. Journals (album) - Justin Beiber 
  3. Bugatti - Ace Hood feat. Future & Rick Ross
  4. Type Of Way - Somewhat Wealthy Homie Quan
  5. "U.O.E.N.O" Rocko featuring Future & Rick Ross
"Noogies For The New Guy Award" (2013's Top Rookie List)
  1. Troy Ave
  2. Roc Marciano
  3. Mack Wilds
  4. A$AP Ferg
  5. Chance The Rapper 
2013's Best Producers
  1. Harry Fraud
  2. Mike Will Made It
  3. Noah "40" Shebib
  4. Boi 1da
  5. Timbaland
Beat, Beat, Beat it…. (word to Sean Kingston's fat ass) 
(Tubby's Favorite Rap Instrumentals of 2013)
  1. Pound Cake - Drake feat. Jay-Z, produced by Boi 1da
  2. Beach Is Better - Jay Z, produced by Mike Will Made It
  3. Over Here - Party Next Door feat. Drake, produced by Party Next Door
  4. The Rockers - Action Bronson feat. Wiz Khalifa, produced by Harry Fraud
  5. Black Skinhead - Kanye West, produced by Kanye West, Daft Punk and Mike Dean
  6. Fuck Wit Me You Know I Got It - Jay Z, produced by Boi 1da & Timbaland
  7. Crown - Jay Z, produced by Wonda Gurl
  8. Own It - Mack Wilds, produced by Salaam Remi
  9. The Language - Drake, produced by Boi 1da
  10. Immortal - Kid Cudi, produced by Kid Cudi
Say Whaaaaat? (2013's Best Verses)
  1. Pound Cake (2nd verse) - Jay Z
  2. 5am In Toronto - Drake
  3. Black Skinhead (1st verse) - Kanye West
  4. All Me - Big Sean
  5. The Language (1st verse) - Drake
  6. The Rockers - Action Bronson
  7. Beach Is Better - Jay Z
  8. Rap God (3rd verse) - Eminem
  9. Jodeci Freestyle - J.Cole (Sorry to any mentally retarded kids who can read this... I liked it.)
  10. Over Here - Drake
The Local Legacy Award (Tubby's favorite local rappers of 2013)
(note: myself excluded of course, otherwise… Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan… ha!)
  1. Keezy of The Sky Division
  2. ADamn 
  3. Mannish Da Jula
  4. Ready Rocc
  5. Muldoon Manny
*note: these are artists who actually put out music or were actively present in 2013. Active artists, only.

Boner Jams 2013 (Songs that make me want to have sexy time!)
  1. Pretty - The Weeknd
  2. The Worst - Jhene Aiko
  3. Haunted - Beyonce
  4. Heartbreaker - Justin Beiber
  5. It Won't Stop - Sevyn Streeter
  6. Love More - Chris Brown feat. Nicki Minaj (Chris Brown = "Biggest Celebrity Douche Bag on Twitter Award")
  7. Ready - Fabolous feat. Chris Brown
  8. The Vapors - Jhene Aiko
  9. Love In The Sky - The Weeknd
  10. They Don't Know - Rico Love
2013 Tubby Blog Album of the Year Award
  1. Kiss Land - The Weeknd
  2. Sail Out - Jhene Aiko
  3. Yeezus - Kanye West (Yeezus also wins "Best Rap Album in 2013". Hate on, haters...)
  4. Beyonce' - Beyonce' 
  5. tie: Magna Carta Holy Grail - Jay Z / Saab Stories - Action Bronson
Favorite Music Video
  1. Picasso Baby - Jay Z
  2. One Of Those Nights - Juicy J feat. The Weeknd
  3. Strictly For My Jeeps - Action Bronson
  4. Worst Behavior - Drake
  5. Belong To The World - The Weeknd
  6. No Angel - Beyonce' (Houston rap nerds know why.)
  7. Backseat Freestyle - Kendrick Lamar
  8. 5am In Toronto - Drake
Best Video Interview
  1. Jay-Z interview with Zane Lowe
  2. Kanye West interview with Zane Lowe
  3. Kanye West interview (and rant) with Sway
  4. Drake interview with Elliot Wilson (CRWN Series)
  5. any interview with Nardwuar The Human Serviette
Tubby's Favorite Movies of 2013
  1. Spring Breakers
  2. A Place Beyond The Pines
  3. The Wolf of Wall Street
  4. Blue Is The Warmest Color
  5. 42
Tubby's Favorite Twitter Accounts
  • Celebrity Accounts
  1. @JoeBudden
  2. @OfficiallyIce
  3. @OldManEbro
  4. @JodyHighRoller
  5. @BigGhostLtd
  • You Might Not Be A Celebrity, but you're a star on my timeline, ha! (Non-Famous people I find interesting, entertaining, fascinating and/or retarded yet amusing)
  • Individual Awards…
The "I Mustache You A Question" Award (Best Facial Hair On Twitter)

The "No Sharp Objects Allowed Award" (aka Most Likely To Kill Someone)

"The Fuck Stuart Scott Award" (Sports Commentator of the Year)

"The White 50 Cent Award" aka "Gone Fishing Award" 
(He's white, He's arrogant, he's offensive and he hopes you got a problem with that. Ha!)

The "Tell us how you really feel…" Award 
(I'd say something funny, but I don't wanna get blasted on a post, So I'ma chill… I don't want no problems, ha!)

"The Water For Life Award" aka "The Eternal Dehydration Award" 
(The thirst is real with this one. Lovely girl, just extremely dehydrated. Someone get this girl some Gatorade… Lots of it! Ha!)

"2013 Rap Genius Award" (If Jay-Z or Raekwon said it, most likely Brizzle's tweeted it.)

"Anybody got detergent" aka "Dirty Laundry Award"
@kissesbykate (Katie Harmon, twitter currently de-activated)

The "I (now) eat pussy, I drink Patron" Award

The "Who gave this fucking immigrant a twitter account" Award aka The "I tweet-uh, no engrish" Award

…and there you fuckin have it kids. The 2013 Tubby Blog Awards is a wrap. Some won, some lost, some may agree, most probably don't, a few chicks are probably butt hurt and hella hatin right now buuuuuuut I really don't give a fuck. Hopefully in 2014, we'll see rap music step it up a lil bit as R&B clearly cleaned house this year. Hopefully something terrible happens to Migos, hopefully we get a "Watch The Throne 2" (as we've been told by Mr.West) and hopefully Action Bronson doesn't die of a cardiac arrest and continues to feed the real rap fans. Hopefully more local artists will pop up on the radar and contribute to our thriving Alaskan hip hop scene, and hopefully I don't get murdered this next year so we can do this shit all over again in 365 days, lord knows (as do most of you) I almost didn't make it for this one, ha. 

However, there's one thing y'all no longer need to hope for in 2014… and that's me joining you fags on Instagram: @SCARFACETUBBY

Next year, I'ma make some mufuckin plaques & tiaras for zee bitches (probably not, but the idea is cool). Til then, simply enjoy your name on a stupid lil blog made by some loser local rapper who can't stay off the fuckin internet & if you didn't make the lists, as hard as it may be to accept, trust me, life will go on and if you're funny enough, interesting enough, attractive enough in 2014... I just may start creepin on you. Best of luck, and happy new year, haha. Haaaan!

P.S: Oh yeah, I almost forgot... 

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